We’ve all had that friend: the one who is “so happy to see you” — but never hits you up. The one who never replies online. You want to believe they’re really your friend, but here’s a hard and fast rule: if you have to question it, they’re probably fake (or, if you care for it, #fake).
Luckily, I have discovered the five undeniable traits of a fake friend. Use them to purge the phony pals from your group.
1. They never actually hit you up.
Have you ever heard the exclamation, “OMG, we should hang out. I’ll hit you up”? Well, it’s a lie. They are never actually going to “H.M.U.” This is one of the common — and annoying — things they say. Of course, the pilot thing to do is say “yeah, let’s do something.” But if you try to make any specific, real plans, this frenemy is too busy. There’s an exam, or they’re working, or their partner is in town, or their phone was stolen. The list continues. If you’re familiar with these excuses, don’t count on that person to be there when you need it.
2. They are self-centered.
Sometimes people just want to talk and talk — but they have no interest in listening. Fake friends love to chat your ear off with their hopes, worries, and stories. Yet when you bring up your own life, they either ignore it or relate it to something they have experienced. In any case, you always come second. Sometimes they’ll pretend to listen, but their glazed-over eyes give away their disinterest. Ask them what you just said — and they definitely won’t remember.
You can do better. Find someone who actually listens to you.
3. They lie.
A real friend is going to tell you that your outfit is not working. Or that your makeup game is weak. It’s tough love, but honesty is needed for a real friendship to survive and even blossom. I hate it when people don’t tell me if I have a piece lettuce stuck between my teeth or a huge ketchup stain on my face — who can just look at that all day? I’ll tell you: a fake friend. If someone is constantly lying to you, it’s time to reassess your friendship.
4. They gossip about you.
Be careful of who you share secrets with. If the person is really a friend, they’ll take that classified information to the grave. But if they are shady, your secret will become public information overnight. These have no issue being two-faced; you won’t find out about their treachery until your real friends expose them. Indeed, these people are akin to spies (or maybe a used-car salesman).
5. They never cover the bill at dinner.
Have you ever bought someone Thai, or crepes, or a burger? Did they ever pay for a meal of yours after? If the answer is no (and they are in a financial position to do so), that person is high-key not your friend. Real buddies will have your back and treat you to a delicious dinner — not continually mooch off your kindness.
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